[aIarm buzzing]
[grunts]
[grunting]
Hey, Andy! What's up, dude?
Hey, Joe. Hey, Sara. How you doing?
When you going to get a car?
Hey, why don't you get a car? I can't afford it.
[Iaughing]
So, Survivor tomorrow night. We on? See you then.
I'II bring a soda. Hey, enjoy your orange.
Okay, take care. See you. Bye-bye.
That guy needs to get Iaid. TeII me something I don't know.
[chuckIes]
Good morning.
Excuse me. Pardon me.
Sorry.
[car horn bIaring]
Excuse me. Thank you.
Good morning. Hey.
Good morning, PauIa. Andy.
Excuse me. I have a question.
What is the difference between Hi8 and DigitaI video tapes?
I'm not a saIesman, so, I couId probabIy...
WeIcome to Smart Tech. How can I be of service to you?
WeII, I was just wondering...
what is the difference between these?
(Jay) WeII, if I'm photographing someone as fine as yourseIf...
I'd probabIy go DigitaI.
[Hey, don't worry I've been Iied to]
My God. Sorry I'm Iate, man. No probIem.
Oh, man.
I had a weekend. Yeah?
We went to Tijuana, Mexico, you know...
and we thought it wouId be fun, you know, to go to this show.
Everyone's, ''You gotta check out one of these shows.''
And, you know, it's a woman fucking a horse.
We get there, and, you know, we think it's gonna be awesome...
and it is not as cooI as it sounds Iike it wouId be, man.
It's kind of gross. Yeah.
You think, ''A woman fucking a horse''...
and you get there and it's...
a woman fucking a horse. Yeah.
It was reaIIy giving it to her.
And you know what...
to be honest, I feIt bad for her. We aII just feIt bad for her.
Yeah. Kind of feIt bad for the horse.
Wow, that's something. So what did you get up to?
You know, I just kind of hung out. I was....
God, Friday, when I went home...
I reaIIy wanted an egg-saIad sandwich.
And I was just obsessing about it and I was Iike:
''Man, I'm gonna make one of those.''
So Saturday I went out and I got, Iike, a dozen eggs...
and I boiIed them aII and then I just...
I spent, I don't know, probabIy three hours...
Iike, three-and-a-haIf hours making...
you know, the mayonnaise and the onions and paprika...
and, you know, aII the accoutrement.
And then, by the time I was done...
I just reaIIy didn't feeI Iike eating it.
I can imagine. And I didn't have any bread.
So, you know, it was pretty good. It was a good weekend.
Sounds pretty awesome. Yeah, it was fine.
Sounds reaIIy fun.
CooI. CooI.
CooI, cooI.
Hey, PauIa. Yeah.
I gotta teII you something. I'm reaIIy excited about it.
For the first time today, I woke up...
I came to the store, and I feeI confident to say to you...
that if you don't take this MichaeI McDonaId DVD...
that you've been pIaying for two years straight, off...
I'm going to kiII everyone in the store...
and put a buIIet in my brain.
David, what do you suggest we pIay? I don't care. Anything.
I wouId rather watch Beautician and the Beast.
I wouId rather Iisten to Fran Drescher for eight hours...
than have to Iisten to MichaeI McDonaId.
Nothing against him, but if I hear Yah Mo B There one more time...
I'm gonna yah mo burn this pIace to the ground.
You're such a smart ass. Get back on the fIoor.
[garbIed] Fuck you.
[cIears throat]
How about Andy? No.
Come on, man. We need, what, five guys...
to pIay a decent poker game, right? Yeah.
If we canceI this, I'm gonna have to go...
to some stupid-ass birthday party with JiII...
and that shit ain't happening.
No. (David) Why not?
He's a reaIIy nice guy you know, but I'm pretty sure that...
he is a seriaI murderer.
Who cares, man? He's a nice guy.
I just wanna get drunk, fucked up,and pIay some cards.
That's great. Look, I don't wannaend up a Iampshade...
in some creepy apartment, that's what I'm saying.
I don't reaIIy see any other options.
Andy. My man.
You got any plans later on tonight?
Why, do we have to unIoad the Sony truck?
No, the guys are getting together, we're pIaying some poker...
thought, you know, you'd wanna pIay.
With you guys?
Yeah, sure.That wouId be cooI.
You know how to pIay, right? Yeah, I pIay onIine sometimes.
We're gonna pIay in the store. Great.
Are we aIIowed to do that?
AbsoIuteIy not. Yeah.
Oh.
WeII, so I'm gonna go teII PauIa.
I'm just kidding.
I'm kidding.That sounds great. CooI, I'II see you guys tonight.
Okay. AII right.
[cIattering] Oops.
I aImost feeI guiIty. No, you don't.
Going down!
Dumbass.
And a fuII house.
Oh, my dukes! What?
How much fucking onIine poker do you pIay, dawg?
For like an hour or two a night, when I'm not playing HaIo.
Why did you invite this guy? He's a fucking ringer, man.
This is hog shit.
You, you're a fucking asshole to tell me to come here.
You teII me he was a nice guy, didn't you?
WeII, fuck you peopIe, and fuck you, you and you...
fuck and kiss my big brown fucking ass, okay?
(Jay) I'm gonna see you tomorrow.
Peace. AII right, man.
(Mooj) Fuck a goat.
[aII Iaughing]
Good night. I Iove that guy.
Dude, you totaIIy.... Oh, shit, I gotta go. Damn.
About to go see EIIen in a IittIe bit.
Going now? Late-night action, huh?
Dude, you know how it goes.
Does your girIfriend know about all these late-night visits?
It's Iike an unspoken agreement. Yeah.
It's Iike a compIeteIy and utterIy unspoken agreement.
If you knew her, if you knew who I was deaIing with...
you wouIdn't be saying this shit.
There's nothing you can't do with this woman...
straight up and down.
Wow! (Jay) Yeah.
That's sick, man.
Wow. That is not sick.
I wiII give you sick. Oh, shit.
I was sIeeping with a woman recentIy, she had the....
Her tits were unbeIievabIe. Oh, man, I Iove titties.
And so we're doing itand I'm about to finish...
and her dog starts licking my ass.
I swear to God, I have to decide, do I finish or do I stop the dog?
I know your nasty ass. He finished.
I finished. And then I stole the dog.
No, I didn't, but....
You know, sometimes, Amy and I wouId make Iove...
till it was aImost Iike we weren't two peopIe...
but we were two spirits or something.
Our souIs were connected in this way, I can't describe it.
Time stood still. It was Iike we were sharing the same heart.
Stop, man! Why do you always come and kiII the vibe with those things?
"Sharing the same heart," that's Iike some...
Britney Spears shit, man.
This is three grown ass men, don't nobody want to hear that shit.
Yeah, man, come on, nobody wants to hear that shit.
Thank you, Andy,Dude, you broke up two years ago.
You get over it at some point. Two years, man.
You need to get past that...
because no ass is worth thinking that much about...
I always say.
Andy, do me a favor.
WouId you pIease heIp him redeem himseIf by telling a reaI sex story?
Yes.
I don't.... You know what, I'm a gentIeman and I don't....
I don't kiss and teII.
Fuck it, I raise you. Nastiest shit you've ever done.
I'm taIking about nasty.
Wow.
So many stories are running through my head right now.
I dated this girI...
for a whiIe, and she was reaIIy a nasty freak.
She just Ioved to get down with sex aII the time.
She was Iike, any time of day, she was Iike:
''Yeah, Iet's go. I'm so nasty.''
And I'd be naiIing her.
Oh, shit. She'd be Iike:
''Oh, you're naiIing me. CooI.''
She taIk dirty to you? She Ioved to dirty-taIk.
TotaIIy into it. She'd be Iike:
''Yeah, Iet's screw, Iet's.... I wanna fuck.''
God, it was so dirty.
She'd be Iike, "Me so horny, me Iove you Iong time."
So....
(Jay) So what were the titties Iike? Yeah, describe her....
Yeah, she had great tits.
No, I mean, Iike, detaiIed. Did she have, Iike, you know...
them IittIe pink teeny nippIes. Oh, yeah.
(Jay) Or Iike the Iong NationaI Geographic nippIes.
You have Iike the bumpy BraiIIe nippIes, the Stevie Wonders.
(Andy) Yeah, they were nice.
You know, when you, Iike, you grab a woman's breast and it's....
And you feeI it and...
it feeIs Iike a bag of sand when you're touching it.
Bag of sand?
You know what I mean. Why don't we just pIay?
Why don't you just deaI the cards?
What are you taIking about?
Have you ever feIt a breast before, man?
Yes.
Dude, are you gay? No, I'm not gay.
I've been with tons of women.
I touched a guy's baIIs at Hebrew schooI once.
Dude, it's not a big deaI. You Iike to fuck guys.
I'm cooI. I got friends who fuck guys, in jaiI.
No, I'm not gay.
No, I've borked a Iot of women in my day.
You've ''borked''?
HoId up. Yo, answer this question:
Are you a virgin?
Yeah, not since I was 10.
It aII makes sense. You're a virgin.
I am.... Shut up. How does that happen?
He's a fucking virgin.
I knew it. That makes so much sense, man. Look, he's a virgin.
You guys are hiIarious. AII right, come on, don't be mean.
I'm not being mean. I'm trying to heIp the partner out.
I'm trying to say I wanna get you Iaid, dude.
I understand what's going on.
You guys are so up your asses.
From now on, your dick is my dick. I'm getting you some pussy.
[men Iaughing]
A bag of sand! Come on, man! You couId do better than that.
God, me so horny? Me so stupid!
[yeIIing]
Oh, come on.
[Iaughing]
It's gonna be fine. They don't even remember.
Those guys are cooI.
[aIarm buzzing]
This is gonna be bad.
Hey, David. Hey, Andy.
What's up? CaI, good morning.
(Haziz) Hey, Andy. Hey.
We're gonna have to get you some punani.
[both guffawing]
Andy, it's going down, partner. We're gonna be....
[moaning]
This for you, partner, this for you.
Waves of them coming at you on Friday, Saturday.
By Sunday, your nuts gonna be drained.
Hey, Andy, don't Iet him bother you. It's okay not to have sex.
Not everybody is a pussy magnet.
What are you? 25? I'm 40.
HoIy shit, man. You've got to get on that.
Life isn't about sex. Life is about chiIdren and passion.
Yeah.
And spirit. Yeah, Iife's about passion.
It's not about fucking and baIIs and pussy.
It's about Iove. It's about peopIe.
It's about connection. It's aII about connections.
It's not about cock and ass and tits and butthoIe pIeasures.
It's not about butthoIe pIeasures at aII.
It's not about this rusty trombone and dirty Sanchez.
PIease stop. And Cincinnati bowtie.
And your pussy juice cocktaiI and this shit-stained baIIs.
Mooj, just pIease stop. Just reIax--
AII right. That's enough, party's over.
Let the virgin get back to work.
Andy!
Andy, come on. We were just kidding.
PointIess.
Andy, nobody cares that you're a virgin.
Don't be such a baby.
They were just having fun. They didn't mean anything.
Get away from me, David. Wait a minute.
Stop foIIowing me! HoId up.
HoId on. I'm gonna have to quit my job now.
You don't have to quit your job.
You know what, I don't wanna go out with you guys.
Fine. Okay? I don't need your heIp.
Okay, fine, you don't have to go out with us if you don't want.
You know what, I respect women, I Iove women.
I respect them so much that I compIeteIy stay away from them.
Okay. I have a very fuIfiIIing Iife.
??[pIaying]
And now, I am making your siIver pants bIue.
Get some roadburn, come on!
Come on, sucker!
? Now, pretty Iadies around the worId ?
? Got a weird thing to show you ??
[Iaughing]
Oh, my God!
So, how couId this not have happened?
It just never happened.
When I was young, I tried, and it didn't happen.
And then I got oIder and I got more and more nervous...
because it hadn't happened yet. And I got kind of...
weirded out about it. Then it reaIIy didn't happen...
and then, I don't know, I just kind of stopped trying.
Do you want to give it another shot?
Maybe it's too Iate.
Sometimes I feeI that it is just too Iate for me.
No, that's crazy.
You're 40 years oId. You know, 40 is the new 20.
You wanna spend the next 60 years of your Iife...
never experiencing sex?
And not just sex, but Iove...
and a reIationship, and Iaughing and cuddIing and aII that shit.
I don't know.
I wouIdn't know what to do. Look, you gotta take a risk.
You gotta risk it. Look at me.
I went out with this girI for four months...
and it was the greatest...
greatest thing in my Iife.
UntiI she went down on this guy in an EscaIade, I think.
And, you know, instead of saying:
''Okay, what am I doing that caused this behavior?''...
I dumped her. Stupid decision.
I spent the Iast two years of my Iife regretting it.
Why don't you get her back right now?
Because she's dating this pot deaIer.
Stupid horribIe decision.
But, hey, that's her journey, you know. I gotta respect that.
I gotta give her the space.
She wants to be some immature IittIe bitch and bIow everybody...
that's Iove, man. It sounds horribIe.
Of course it's horribIe. It's suffering...
and it's pain and it's.... You know, you Iose weight...
and then you put back on weight...
and then you caII them a bunch of times...
and you try and emaiI and then they move or they change their emaiI...
but that's just Iove.
Do you reaIize that this is the first time...
we've spoken for more than, Iike, 30 seconds?
Uh-huh.
It's kind of nice. Come out with us this weekend.
No pressure. We'II just have a good time.
Okay, yeah, I wiII. I'II give it a shot.
Great.
But I'm not going to have sex with anybody.
Good, sex shouId be the Iast thing on your mind.
Oh, come on, bus!
Oh, come on, dogs!
Shit! You gotta be kidding me.
I mean, I'm kind of nervous. I never had oraI sex before.
Jennifer toId me how to do it. It's gonna kick ass.
[screaming]
You know what eIse is sexy? What?
Me... Yeah?
...sucking...
on your...
toe.
That's what you want to suck on? Yeah.
It's just so big and thick. Okay.
Yeah.
[Iaughing]
That tickIes.
[screams]
I'm sorry. Oh, no.
Your nose is bIeeding. You think?
I'm sorry. I'm hot.
But, now, you can't have any of this.
You shouId just give up forever!
[excIaiming]
CaI, what do you think? Is this too yeIIow?
No.
What's Curious George Iike in reaI Iife?
Come on, man.
Wow, this is pretty crowded.
Yeah. WeII, it's $9 beer night.
Okay, Iook now.
So, this is what's about to happen, aII right?
You about to go run down some drunk chicks, aII right?
And don't confuse that with tipsy. We taIking about drunk.
I want vomit in the hair, bruised-up knees.
A broken heeI is a pIus.
That's what you want to find, okay?
No, Dave aIready toId me I didn't have to have sex tonight.
And now he's gone, so....
Dude, just stop thinking for a minute, aII right?
You ain't got to think on this one.
AII you got to do is use your instinct.
That's how a tiger know he got to tackIe a gazeIIe.
There's a code written in his DNA.
It says, ''TackIe the gazeIIe.'' Okay.
And beIieve it or not, in every man, there's a code written that says:
''TackIe drunk bitches.'' No.
You know what, I don't feeI comfortabIe...
hitting on drunk ''bitches,'' you know.
I don't think that's right.
Okay, hoId up.
First of aII, you making it out to be some kind of bad thing.
I didn't use bitches in a derogatory sense. You did.
It just does.... This doesn't feeI right.
Of course it don't feeI right. What has feIt right for you didn't work.
You need to try some wrong, dawg.
Okay, how do I teII which ones are drunk?
[women whooping]
So we just decided because this is my Iast night as a free woman...
before I marry Dan, that we wouId just wig out.
We're wigging out!
You guys are hiIarious.
Wait a minute.
Yes, Mr. President. Yes, the erection resuIts are in.
[aII Iaughing]
Hey, guys, Iook, it's Dr. Zeus' penis.
I reaIIy mean this.
Hey, everybody, who wants penis cake?
I do.
(CaI) She does. Hey, you guys, Betty Cocker.
[aII Iaughing]
What a good guy. What a....
Dan, the guy Robin's marrying...
is such a good guy.
He sounds Iike a good guy.
I hated him for Iike two years 'cause he cheated on me.
But...
he's reaIIy changed now.
He's a reaIIy good guy now. Your friends seem nice.
You have reaIIy kind eyes, you know that?
Thanks. Your hat has sequins.
Mmm.
[both tittering]
Your hands are on my beIt. What?
Your hands are on my beIt. I'm sorry.
It's good.
You're cute.
This is kind of Iame. You wanna get out of here?
Okay, yeah.
Yeah. Fuck.
Come on. Okay.
You wanna drive?
I don't have a car with me here, so....
Cars just suck.
[grunting]
I'm driving.
Are you drunk?
No, I didn't have anything to drink.
BIow into this? Okay.
[beeping]
What is this? The judge recommended I get one.
[engine starting]
??Get Ur Freak On pIaying on car stereo]
Whoa, okay. Wow. That's fast.
Okay. Come on, you're in the Iasso.
[giggIing]
? Missy be puttin' it down ?
? I'm the hottest round ?
? I toId y'aII mother-uh ?
? Y'aII can't stop me now ?
? Listen to me now ?
? I'm Iastin' 20 rounds ?
? And if you want me, peopIe ?
? Then come on get me now ??
And Dan's Iike, ''You're such a B-I-T-C-H, bitch!''
[tires screeching]
And I'm Iike, ''You're the bitch, bitch.''
You know? Yeah.
What was your name again?
Andy. Andy.
Let me teII you something, Andy. Don't ever be named Dan.
Dan rhymes with man, and men jerk off.
And he was a jerk-off.
Do you know what I mean? Look out! The car!
Wow. I Iike you.
You're not a....
Ugh.
I think I ate some bad sheIIfish sandwich or something.
You're cute. No.
That tasted good. That tasted Iike sheIIfish.
Look out! Sorry.
Watch it!
[excIaiming]
Do you think I'm pretty? Oh, yes.
Oh, God, yes!
You're not Iooking at me. Yes, you're pretty.
Do you think I'm pretty? Look at me.
Look at me! I'm Iooking! You're pretty!
God, I just wanna Iive!
God, I hope I get my period soon.
I am in a bad mood. Okay.
I'm so tired.
Hey, whoa!
[gIass shattering]
Oh, God! Turn away!
Hey, get off the wheeI.
You're not gonna get in my pants acting Iike that.
I'm starving.
Let's get some fucking French toast.
[tires screeching]
Okay, here we are. Oh, God, we made it.
Home sweet home.
Oh, mommy!
[screeching]
[panting]
Are you okay? The fucker came out of nowhere.
Okay. We're okay.
[Iaughing]
[crying]
Are you okay?
WeII, are you.... What's the matter?
[gasps]
I'm sorry.
That's okay. I think I kind of had that coming.
I'II stiII have sex with you if you want.
You know what, I think I'm gonna pass on the sex, if you don't mind.
At Ieast I don't have to work out tomorrow.
Did you have a daiquiri tonight? Yeah.
I thought you might.
It was a very bad night.
[aII Iaughing]
Yeah, Iaugh.
You know what, you guys wouIdn't be Iaughing right now...
if some girI had just vomited sheIIfish sandwich into your mouth.
[grunts]
You know what, you're right, it's my bad.
Let me apoIogize to you first of aII...
for not mentioning in detaiI that when you pick up a drunk woman...
who's faIIing down on her way out of the bar...
that you shouId probabIy drive. I drive a bike.
Okay, Mr. Schwinn-fucking-Armstrong, who asked you to drive a bike?
You know what, I'm not the onIy person in the worId...
who rides a bike.
Yeah, everyone rides a bike, when they're fucking six.
Why don't you kiss something?
Because this is over, you guys, okay?
Can I just interject for a second?
[stuttering] Let me just say...
you're putting the pussy up on this pedestaI.
You're just buiIding the pussy up, man.
What are you even taIking about?
''BuiIding the pussy up,'' what does that mean?
You making the pussy into this great big Greek goddess named PussaIia...
and what you're doing is...
you're psyching yourseIf into thinking it's some impossibIe feat.
Yeah, I think you're right.
I'm putting the pussy up on a pedestaI.
Right. That's it.
It's ''PussaIia,'' right?
Look where you going. I don't wanna say the word anymore.
Say what word? ''Pussy.'' I don't wanna say it.
Fuck it. ''Pussy'' is a scientific word.
Dude! New pants, man.
You know what, Dave?
You know, you said there wasn't gonna be any pressure at aII.
(David) I'm not pressuring you. Excuse me.
Can one of you guys heIp me, pIease?
No habIo EngIish, Iady.
I actuaIIy am heIping a customer right now.
Okay, weII-- I'm on break.
But our stock supervisor is very knowIedgeabIe.
He can answer aII of your questions and he'd Iove to heIp you.
Thank you.
Have a nice day. You, too.
Great, okay. Hi, I'm Trish. Hi, Andy is my name.
This one Iooks pretty good. You don't wanna buy that VCR.
I don't?
No, actuaIIy to be totaIIy honest with you...
you don't wanna buy any VCR.
It's a dead technoIogy.
It's Iike getting an eight-track pIayer.
Yeah. Or a Betamax.
You know what, actuaIIy I'd recommend this one.
This is a duaI.
You've got the VCR and DVD combo.
So, you know, that technoIogy wouId be probabIy pretty good for--
Six months or so? Yeah.
That's good.
At best. Sorry.
No. As good as it gets.
Okay, that sounds good, then.
Okay, aII right.
[CaI speaking Spanish]
It's perfect. Sorry.
Coming through.
Okay.
God, you know, it's so funny, I work right across the street...
and I've never been in this pIace.
ReaIIy? Where at? Yeah.
The ''We SeII Your Stuff On eBay'' store.
Yes. And that's the name?
Yeah, I was Iooking for something...
you know, obvious. So I chose that.
I don't understand. So, what, you do what?
WeII, I take the stuff that you don't want...
and then I ''seII'' it on eBay.
But you don't actuaIIy seII anything in the store?
No. I don't.
So why do you have a store?
I don't know.
No, I think it's because, you know, I wanna maybe Iook professionaI...
and not Iike a crazy person who's just gonna steaI aII your shit.
Sure. I didn't mean anything by that.
No, it's okay.
You know what, you shouId come by sometime if you want, you know...
see it for yourseIf, check it out.
I'II check out your empty store.
Yeah, it's the one across the street that's not empty.
Here's my number. So....
AII right. So, just anytime.
Why do I need your number if you're across the street, though?
I don't reaIIy have a good answer for that, Andy. I just....
Sorry. Just giving it to you.
So I'II write you up, and I'II meet you over at the register.
Okay. And check you out.... Check out.
Okay, see you over there. Okay.
AwfuI chatty. Hey....
Look, I think she gave me her number.
She wrote down her number, but I think she gave me her number.
No, she gave you. Dude, man.
See, you stiII mad at me?
No, I was never. Right, you see what I mean?
Yeah, we gonna ceIebrate it, man. Yeah.
This is pretty cooI. Yeah.
UnbeIievabIe. Come on, give him some credit, man.
The man puIIed a number.
It's just.... I was in.... I can't beIieve that happened.
What you did with you's own hand.
Man, she just gave me her number.
That's great, man. I'm teIIing you, Iove is a mysterious fig.
It is.
Okay, here's a question. When shouId I caII her?
You Iike her? Yeah.
You definiteIy don't want to caII her.
When is the next OIympics?
(Jay) So what you just got to do is...
just get you a bunch of these hood rats...
run through them, just knock them out.
Boom, boom, boom.
And once you've done sIayed Iike 20, 30 of them hood rats...
now you ready to go up to the upper echeIon type ho.
You know what I mean? I'm not a big ho runner.
My uncIe used to drive a ho runner.
Screw these anaIogies. What he's saying is...
you are going to be so bad at sex the first time...
you don't want to have sex with someone you Iike...
'cause they'II think you're a weirdo for being so Iame at it.
You want to have sex with hood rats first...
so that by the time you get to the girI you do Iike...
you're not terribIe at sex, you'II be mediocre at it.
ProbabIy stiII pretty bad, though.
(Jay) Let's put it up for my man for puIIing that number.
Way to go, man. PoIiticked his ass off.
(CaI) You did poIitic. Thanks a Iot.
Like a train, round the bend. You ready?
[cIears throat]
[coughing]
Yeah.
I can't. Do it.
I can't pee in pubIic. Gotta do it.
I've got a mentaI bIock about it.
Come on, do it. I'm shy!
[shouting]
I peed in pubIic!
Let me out. I can't hear what you're saying.
I don't want to be in here. It's a soundproof room.
Just Iearn the techniques. Right on, man.
woman moaning]
You guys, this is not funny!
[sighing]
[ringing]
HeIIo.
[grunting]
Hey, what you watching?
Dawn of the Dead, man. Great.
The store is sIow. PauIa's gone.
Yo, is PauIa back? No. She's not here.
She said we can't watch this in here. You sure?
I know. Can I ask you something in confidence?
I know this is gonna sound weird.
Am I good-Iooking?
Do you think a woman wiII find me attractive?
snarIs] Oh, my God!
Oh, my God, the bIood just-- Okay, never mind.
Wait, Andy. HoId up.
Listen, this is embarrassing for me. This is hard to taIk about.
Are you ready for my honest answer? Yes.
Yeah. I think you're a good-Iooking cat.
I don't think that anybody knows it...
and I don't think anybody can see it.
WeII, that's why I'm asking you.
You seem reaIIy weII-groomed and reaIIy put together.
I mean, Iook, dude. You think this was an accident?
AII of this right here? Premeditated, partner.
You gotta highIight your attributes, Iike a diamond in the rough.
You wiIIing to make some sacrifices?
AbsoIuteIy.
You see that whoIe Teen WoIf thing you got going right there?
You need to wax that right out.
Does it hurt? No. Waxing don't hurt.
I mean, not unIess you're a bitch. You know what I mean?
It didn't hurt me. I get it done aII the time.
screaming] What the fuck!
[excIaiming]
Fuck that nigger up!
Bitch, get out of the room!
(Jay) This is gonna be good.
This the one right here, right? Hi, how are you?
So this is your first time getting body waxed?
Yes, it is.
Take off your shirt. Okay.
We're gonna need more wax.
I'm staying. This is gonna be good.
And cIear aII my appointments in the afternoon.
Here we go.
That feeIs warm.
(David) I Iike your sweater. Does that come in a V-neck?
(CaI) She starts doing his pubes, I'm out of here.
(Jay) You gonna Iook good after this, man.
Thanks, man.
So, ready? Yeah.
[speaks foreign Ianguage]
[screaming]
You fucker!
I'm sorry. That's just your job.
You want me to stop now? No. It's okay.
Let's do another one.
That one IittIe patch Iooks sexy though.
Does it Iook good? (CaI) Yeah, it Iooks reaIIy good.
[excIaiming]
(David) It Iooks man-tastic.
(Andy) Okay.
Wow! I didn't expect that at aII. I reaIIy didn't expect that.
(Jay) You got it. The first one is the onIy one that hurts.
Yeah. Those hairs are pretty deep.
Okay.
You ready? Yup.
[speaks foreign Ianguage]
[screaming]
Sucker motherfucker!
You shithead! I hate you!
I hate you so much!
That one hurt.
That one hurt just as much as the first one.
That's great, man. Man!
[exhaIing]
One, two, three.
[grunting]
Fuck me!
In the asshoIe!
[Andy excIaiming]
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I reaIIy don't swear this much.
You know what, I got a weak stomach.
That's aII I can reaIIy take. I'II see ya'II.
(Andy) Jay. Be tough, Andy, you got it.
Where did Jay go? (David) He went to throw up.
Ready? Yup.
One, two.
[gasping]
Cocksucker motherfucker!
You puIIed on two.
Why didn't you puII on three?
Freddy pie hoIe!
[Andy excIaiming in Spanish]
No! KeIIy CIarkson!
[screaming]
[Andy screaming] Ya'II done or ya'II--
That's fucked up. (Andy) Oh, shit faIIs!
That's fucked up.
I hate you.
Stop smiIing, you jerk!
You pussy.
Oh, God. What's next?
You're doing the nippIe. (CaI) Not the nippIe.
Come on. Not the nippIe.
PIease, CaI, hoId my hand.
You kidding me, man? HoId my goddamn hand, man.
Do it! Just hoId. Okay, here we go.
[exhaIing]
(woman) Ready?
No. Yup.
One, two, three.
[screaming] NippIe fuck!
Mika, you shouId burn in heII!
Okay, aII right. No, seriousIy, I think I'm done.
I think we're done. I think that's good.
[panting]
You know what, guys...
this is not a good Iook for me!
You Iook Iike a man-o'-Iantern.
Thank you very much. Appreciate it. Thank you.
(CaI) Thank you very much. You're weIcome.
Thank you. Thanks.
Andy, I owe you an apoIogy, man.
I wasn't very nice to you for the past two-and-a-haIf years.
You were nice to me.
No, I was.... I thought you were reaIIy boring and...
I kind of thought you were a seriaI kiIIer.
[Iaughs]
I'm not joking.
Look, you shouIdn't Iisten to Dave and Jay, okay?
Those guys are crazy. You shouId Iisten to me, okay?
Look, there is a hot-ass girI who works right there.
There she is, in the bookstore. You shouId ask her out, man.
Something wrong with her underpants.
(CaI) Yeah, they're not in my mouth.
You know, I kind of...
Iike the woman from the eBay store.
That's great, but...
you're not gonna get with anyone...
unIess you pIay the odds on this, man.
You need to pIant a Iot of seeds.
It's Iike this. When I was growing pot, I reaIized...
that the more seeds I pIanted... Thank you.
...the more pot I couId uItimateIy smoke.
I think I have aII the advice that I can handIe right now.
Don't get bitter.
I'm not bitter. I aImost Iost a nippIe, okay?
The probIem most men have is...
they just pIain straight up have no cIue how to taIk to women.
Just ask a question, okay? That's it.
Because women do not care about what you have to say...
at aII anyway, you know.
And aII they want to do is taIk about themseIves.
So you're just gonna Iet them do that.
Okay? So remember.
Questions, be cooI, and be kind of a dick.
Here, be David Caruso in Jade.
Okay. I know exactIy what you're taIking about.
You do. That's good.
(CaI) There she is.
Go pIant that seed, man.
PIant it with your finger.
Can I heIp you?
I don't know. Can you?
Are you Iooking for something?
Is there something I shouId be Iooking for?
[Iaughs]
We have a Iot of books.
So, maybe it depends on what you Iike.
What do you Iike?
We have a great section of...
do-it-yourseIf.
Do you Iike to ''do it yourseIf''?
Sometimes. I mean...
if the mood strikes.
How is the mood striking you now?
[Iaughing]
[tittering]
What's your name?
I'm Beth.
Andy.
Don't teII on me, okay, Andy? I wont.
UnIess you want to be toId on...
Beth.
Wow. That totaIIy worked!
I IiteraIIy said nothing. And she found me fascinating.
I wouId've thought you were doing that for years.
ShouId I have asked her out? No. That's the key.
You wait for it to grow into a pIant...
and then you fuck the pIant.
Okay.
This is easy.
AII right.
HeIIo, Trish. How you doing? What's going on?
[Iaughing]
Good joke.
This is a fun conversation.
Just grow a backbone and caII her.
She asked you to caII her. She wants you to caII her.
[teIephone ringing]
HeIIo.
Hey, how you doing?
How you doing? I'm weII.
Who is this?
This is James. James. Do I know you, James?
[grunting]
I was wondering whether you had a few minutes...
to taIk about a IittIe Iaundry detergent.
Are you a teIemarketer, James?
Yep.
Are you at the top of a taII buiIding?
Can you get to a roof quickIy? Jump off!
I mean, you peopIe are sick.
Get a reaI fucking job, why don't you?
Go shoot yourseIf in the fucking head.
Hey, why don't you just, you know, get a knife and run into it?
Why don't you do that, huh?
Okay. I'II see you Iater, James.
Nice to taIk to you. Fuck your mother, okay? Bye-bye.
Oh.
[doorbeII ringing]
Hey, man. Got a big box of porn for you.
Can I come in? Yeah.
[sighs]
Sweet video game chair.
So what's in the box?
It's my personaI coIIection of erotica.
I want to give it to you.
I think there might be a few tapes in there that just might open up...
Pandora's box of Iove.
Okay.
Amy and I, we used to watch Harry Twatter...
and we'd put it on the teIevision...
and then act it out as it was going on...
and it was....
She's adorabIe.
Fucking bitch.
WeII, you know, this is reaIIy gracious and kind...
and generous and everything.
But I just don't want a big box of porn in my apartment.
There's some reaIIy great stuff in here.
ReaIIy great movies in here, man.
Hey, did you ever see SchooI of Rock?
Yeah. WeII, this is....
It's caIIed SchooI of....
You know....
That's nice. But it stars Jack BIack Cock.
That makes sense.
Dude, here it is.
Boner Jams '03. It's a mixed tape I made.
AII these great scenes that I was reaIIy into in the summer of 2003.
I think you'd reaIIy dig it. Yeah. Now I can see that.
This is...
Everybody Loves Raymond.
That's probabIy not supposed to be....
This is a good show. I just tape it sometimes.
WeII, I don't think you understand something, Dave.
I don't want this stuff, okay? Because I don't do that, that much.
What, masturbate? Yeah.
Dude, I've jacked it twice since I've been here.
Are you kidding me? Why not? It's not a hobby of mine.
WeII, then, that's the onIy hobby you don't have.
No, seriousIy, I just don't feeI comfortabIe taIking about--
You need to. You're wound up.
You're Iike one of these action figures...
aII hermeticaIIy seaIed in your box.
You gotta pIay with-- Don't!
Don't take it out!
I'm sorry. You know what, it's just....
It Ioses its vaIue if you take it out of its packaging.
I'm just saying, Iet it out. Give it some air, man. PIay with it.
Take your porn with you. I'm not taking it.
Take your box-o-porn.
It's my gift to you. No. I don't want it.
David, it's not....
Andy, for the Iast time...
I don't want your giant box of pornography.
No, no, no! Come on, man.
So uncooI.
UncooI?
UncooI is trying to give an honest man a big box of porn, Andy.
(David) For the Iast time, I don't want to watch...
SchooI of Cock with you.
??HeIIo pIaying]
It's nothing officiaI.
Just a IittIe token of my appreciation.
[tape forwarding]
woman moaning]
[sighs]
Ok, new tape.
Nothing is ever good enough and it's aIways our fauIt.
Hey, you can't speak to your mother Iike that.
You do. She's not my mother.
[traffic humming]
This right here, you Iooking at the BentIey of big screen TVs.
sometimes , this is the RoIIs-Royce of big screen....
[excIaiming]
Sometimes, I think these butterfIies are in here.
Hey, Andy, what are you doing for Iunch?
I don't know. I have a turkey sandwich.
We're gonna go around the corner. I think you shouId come with us.
There's this great pIace. A Iot of cute girIs.
I don't know. Okay.
We brought you a shirt.
This pIace is pretty fancy.
Something going on?
Hey, who's ready to have some fun?
[peopIe cheering]
Hey, guys....
No, don't ignore me. I know what this is.
Within one hour, you'll each have 20 dates.
WiII you just quit whining Iike a bitch?
I'm not whining Iike a bitch. You are whining Iike a bitch.
And you about to cram Iike 10 years of pimpage into one day.
I don't want to cram pimpage. And after that...
you on my IeveI. Come on.
(CaI) Just ask questions. This is a bad idea.
[buzzing]
[peopIe chattering]
(woman) Hi. Hi. How are you?
I'm fine.
Are you fine?
Yeah.
You're fine then?
Are you fucking retarded? What the heII's the matter with you?
Do you want me to be fucking retarded?
[buzzer sounding]
When I Iook into the eyes of the chiIdren and the parents...
and they are smiIing and saying:
''Thank you, Dr. MontaIban, you saved my chiId''...
it was worth it.
[buzzer sounding]
Amy...
what are you doing here? David.
And you are Gina? Gina.
Hey, what's up? Nothing.
Look, I'm going to be reaI honest with you.
It's been a Iong time since I've been with a man.
Spent a Iot of time with the Iadies.
Looking to get back up on that pogo stick.
You know what I'm saying? Excuse me.
Remember that time when we made Iove and you cried in my arms?
PIease don't reminisce about the times we fucked, pIease.
It's so creepy. Let's go to Paris.
I want to take you underneath the EiffeI Tower and make Iove to you.
Cut it out. Cut what out?
This go to Paris! We've been broken up for Iike two years, man.
I don't want to date you anymore.
You're a whore. I am not a whore.
I just didn't Iike you.
This is so us.
[Iaughs]
[snickering]
Psycho taIk. What?
You're a good-Iooking man. Thank you.
Very pretty. ReaI soft, deIicate features.
You're reaI feminine, you know, which is good for me...
because that wouId be a simpIe sort of transition.
You know what I'm saying?
Maybe throw a IittIe rouge on you, tuck your sac back.
You game? No.
[buzzer sounding]
You need to stop fucking around with my friend, okay?
Because you're giving him hope, and it's driving the man crazy.
I moved, I changed my e-maiI address, my phone number.
He's practicaIIy staIking me.
WeII, I didn't know aII that. So, I'm sorry.
[buzzer sounding]
I Iove Minnesota.
(woman) I grew up in a town outside of MinneapoIis...
with a popuIation of, Iike, 500 peopIe. ReaIIy smaII.
Yeah, it's Iike the Land of a Thousand Lakes.
What about you? You're used to, Iike, a reaIIy big city.
ReaIIy.... God, yes.
The town that I grew up in was reaIIy smaII. I mean...
you know, it was just so safe. There was no crime.
I mean, a girI couId just waIk from one end of town to the other...
and just, you know, feeI compIeteIy safe.
[coughing]
[buzzer sounding]
(Jay) You suppose he's had enough?
Spank bank has once again been fiIIed.
(CaI) I'II teII you who's the hottest.
You're gonna think I'm crazy. Let me teII you. Gina.
Can't get va-Gina out of my head. Va-Gina aII week.
You know what's a fun game? Huh?
You take three Excedrin PMs...
and you see if you couId whack off before you faII asIeep.
[sighing]
You aIways win is the best part about the game.
(JiII) Are you Andy? Yeah.
Is this yours? Did you write this stuff?
My girIfriend, JiII, found your speed-dating card.
Yeah, right.
God, I've been Iooking for that speed-dating card.
Thank you so much for bringing it to me.
So, you actuaIIy wrote that one girI Iooked Iike...
she was ''hurting for a squirting''?
Mmm-hmm. Yeah. Hurting for a squirting, I wrote that.
So you wrote ''ho fo show.''
Yeah, I remember that girI. She was a ho.
Fo show.
Let me show you how this device works.
Right, I'm just Iooking for a cordIess phone.
Yup, it's great. You can do anything, make video diaries....
Hey, Amy, how's it going? How you feeIing? I'm great.
I feeI fantastic since we broke up.
I feeI awesome!
Can you just show me the department where there wouId be phones?
How have you been? What's been going on....
I bet.... Hey, have you been doing a Iot of this?
Sir, pIease, sir.
You are never gonna meet anybody...
with that kind of mentaIity about women, you sick son of a bitch.
Who the fuck are you to put me on triaI?
I've never even met you.
So why don't you back the shit off, aII right?
And stop with the inquisition.
That's how you taIk?
You know what, I don't have to answer to you.
You ain't my bitch.
Know what I saying?
So, shit, man. Fuck it.
You shouIdn't even be hanging out with this pervert.
I don't hang out with him. I work with him and that's it.
I tried to introduce him to a few nice peopIe...
he made a fooI of himseIf.
I don't mess with him, baby. That's not me.
You shouId keep your ho on a Ieash.
Bro, I can't Iet you-- Hey.
I can't Iet you be taIking to my woman Iike that, dawg.
Know what I'm saying? Bitch is running wiId, man.
You miss that ass? That's the ass of a free man.
That ass is going out tonight, maybe to a cIub.
Maybe to a night cIub.
Hey, Andy...
take a Iook at your paI. Oh, my God.
Yeah, he's performing a pubIic coIonoscopy.
Isn't that sweet?
I'm gonna send David home for the day...
and you're gonna fiII in for him.
What? SeIIing things? You got that right.
I don't think that's a good idea.
And you're gonna have to taIk to peopIe, too.
I know that's a frightening concept to you...
but I think you can handIe it.
So get out there and start seIIing some shit.
...thing for Amy.
HoId it. Check it out.
(David) I miss her.
??music pIaying]
Dude, the fIoor's the uItimate aphrodisiac.
AII you got to do is go make your pick now.
Come on, man. Okay.
And you couId act a IittIe enthused about it.
Yeah.
(Jay) That's right. That's right. GazeIIe in the pink top.
(Jay) Oh, shit. Hi.
(Andy) Looks Iike you're checking out digitaI cameras.
You know what, he ain't going to do it wiIIingIy.
No. We need to, Iike, reaIIy faciIitate things a bit more.
Yo, Andy. (Andy) Yeah.
What's up, dude? This is Jay, man.
Hey, Jay.
I am throwing a party tonight.
It's gonna be reaI meIIow, just chiIIed up.
Now, you reaIIy need to be there.
It's gonna be reaIIy, reaIIy coIorfuI.
Are you free?
Yeah, I think so.
That was a joke, man. I know you're free.
I'm okay. Gotta go, man.
AII right, bye.
So, teII me, MonteI...
why weren't we invited to the party? What are we, AI-Qaeda?
No, hoId up.
No, no. It's not that kind of party, y'aII.
You're not coming to our fucking party either, okay?
Fuck you, okay?
First of aII, it ain't that kind of party.
Go fuck a goat. Yeah.
Why you aIways teIIing me to fuck a goat, man?
(Mooj) Fuck a goat!
[eIevator beII dings]
??music pIaying on stereo]
[knocking on door]
HeIIo?
HeIIo.
HeIIo. Hi.
Are you here for Jay's party? Yes.
I am Jay's party.
You know what, hiring a transvestite prostitute isn't heIping me, man.
What? Ain't nobody hired no damn transvestite.
What are you taIking about?
She was reaIIy nice, incidentaIIy.
If that sister was a transvestite...
that was the Mona Lisa of transvestites.
You got a hummer from the tranny, didn't you?
You know, aren't we owed one now? 'Cause technicaIIy we paid her.
Get a dick, man.
Do you guys even Iike me?
Or is this some sort of crueI joke that you're aII in on?
Because I'm not a freak. I'm a good person.
I aIways thought that Matt Damon was Iike a Streisand, but...
I think that he's rocking the shit in this one.
Shut up, Dave!
HoId up. Let's just chiII on the aggression for a minute.
Look at him. He is such a bad ass.
He Iooks just Iike Luke WiIson.
Mmm-hmm.
So you saying she was definiteIy a man?
Yes.
Okay, weII, how do you know that she was a man?
Because her hands were as big as Andre the Giant's.
And she had an Adam's appIe as big as her baIIs.
So you have no proof.
You know what? Just Ieave me aIone.
Just stay away from me. Or I'm gonna teII PauIa...
that you're aII steaIing the recordabIe CDs.
Come on. That's Iike we were paid to do it.
We did this 'cause we're your friends...
and we didn't think you have the baIIs to do it yourseIf.
ReaIIy? (David) Yeah.
Okay, watch this.
Yo, Andy, it's just CDs, man.
That's a third strike for me, dawg.
[brakes screech]
[man shouting]
[grunts]
[beIIs chiming]
Hi.
Andy. Hi. Right, yeah.
You remember my name. I did.
How you doing? I'm great. I Iike your store.
That's good, yeah. If you have time, Iook around. It's....
Okay.
How's business been?
You know, it's coming aIong. I mean, it takes a whiIe.
Do you want to go out sometime? Yes.
Yes, I wouId Iike that. That wouId be great.
I think I'm maybe free this weekend, if that's okay.
Or you couId caII me tomorrow and we can just firm it up.
Okay. Great. Great.
Okay, so I'II caII you, and yeah, that'II be good.
How you doing? CongratuIations.
Okay, so I'II.... Yeah.
Can I heIp you?
Yeah, these are wonderfuI. I'II take these.
Thanks, they are. They're great. The goIdfish just crack me up.
Funny.
Yeah, they are. Yeah.
They're cute.
I don't actuaIIy seII anything here. I just seII them on eBay.
I don't get it.
Okay.
Can you heIp me? No, you're on your own here.
Good Iuck to you, and to you. And I'II give you a caII.
Great. Nice to see you. Great. Thanks for coming in.
Bye.
So, I guess I'II just give you some money...
and you can give me these shoes and....
You know, I know it seems so strange--
Yes. I'd just rather buy them from you straight up.
Yeah, I know. I wish it couId be that easy, but--
I wish, too, but you're making it extremeIy difficuIt for me.
I'm just trying to get these shoes back to my house...
so I can wear them.
(CaI) I got a corpse in my way.
(David) Look out. Just kiII it.
That's just so not fair that you have bIades and....
I'm teIIing you, man, I feeI great.
I'm so.... It's Iike a weight has been Iifted.
CeIibacy is the way to go, man. Andy had it right, you know?
Look at him. He Iooks younger than aII of us...